


Can you save me from this world of mine before I get myself arrested with this expectation?

by dragon_rider



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-13
Updated: 2013-04-13
Packaged: 2017-12-08 08:16:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/759168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragon_rider/pseuds/dragon_rider
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It wasn’t the first time Jim had lost crewmembers, of course it wasn’t. But it was the first time he was called a liar to his face while he was doing his damnedest to get each and one of them back to the safety of the ship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can you save me from this world of mine before I get myself arrested with this expectation?

**Author's Note:**

> Betaed by [Disconnect](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Disconnect/).

“Captain. May I?”

Jim blinked. Uhura’s soft voice came into his ears with an eerie delay, almost like he wasn’t even there at all and just heard her from some distant place, a place where neither the first word or the respectful tone in which it’d been spoken caused a reaction in him.

That was the place he wanted to be. Maybe that was why he was taking in everything in his surroundings so unbelievably slowly that by the time Uhura sat beside him on the floor of the observation deck, there was nothing he could do to stop her.

He tried to gather some rash words, some lies to tell her. Just enough to scare her off, to piss her off enough for her to go away and leave him with nothing but the space for company, its cold beauty a comfort that Jim knew he didn’t deserve but was willing to take anyway because he needed it so much there was nothing else he could do.

He couldn’t—wouldn’t take Uhura’s though, if that was even what she was there for. He didn’t even have the nerve to look at her yet and just kept looking through the large window.

It wasn’t the first time he’d lost crewmembers, of course it wasn’t. But it was the first time he was called a liar to his face while he was doing his damnedest to get each and every one of them back to the safety of the ship.

Bones had told him that was the fear of death talking and had nothing to do with the image they had—that anyone had—of him, of their bold but brilliant Captain, and Jim wanted to believe him, he did, but Bones hadn’t been there. He hadn’t heard them, hadn’t seen the look of searing disappointment in their eyes as they died before him, the thin and ghostly energy field separating them enough to allow Jim and Uhura to survive the waves of lava coming at them, but not enough for him not to see all of it as it happened.

It was supposed to be a routine mission –and really, he should know better by now, there’s no such thing—until the very _not_ inactive and massive volcano of the planet’s surface decided to erupt and caused enough interference to disrupt the Enterprise’s transporters.

Uhura and Jim were the only survivors. Spock said the energy field that protected them was a natural reaction of the ground they were standing on, a property only the unique combination of elements right in that exact spot could spawn and that heat induced in the right moment.

Jim had been helpless to assist an away team he should’ve died with. That was all he could process.

It took him a couple of minutes maybe, probably more, to feel Uhura’s slender fingers enveloping his own, his hand numb after being still and clenched for too long.

“I failed them,” he said lowly, accepting. It was in the job description, he was more than aware of it, but that didn’t make it hurt any less.

Eight people had died this time because he failed to save them.

If there was anything Jim excelled at, it was at failing. He didn’t need people to remind him so harshly of that fact.

He didn’t expect Uhura to say anything, so he welcomed the silence that followed and tried to stop himself from crumbling under the warm touch of her hands on his fist, gently coaxing it open until she was able to hold it and spent another few minutes massaging the circulation back into his hand.

“No,” she replied at last, still not letting go of his hand. “They failed you.” Jim had  billions of arguments against that, but Uhura was hearing none of it and firmly put a finger on his lips, her palm directing his chin to her so he’d finally look at her, “We know the risks. You’re ready to die for us anytime, any moment, despite that it’s not your job—no, Jim, listen to me, _that’s not your job_ – Why wouldn’t they be ready to do the same? They failed you, and me, and all the rest of the crew wasting their last breaths in blaming the very man that kept them safe at all costs whenever that was _possible_. It wasn’t possible this time, not for you, not for anyone.”

Uhura clearly didn’t want him to reply to any of that, Jim knew how to read the fierce glint in her eyes better than he let on, so he just licked his lips and swallowed down all the objections he had to make. He hadn’t noticed how mad she was over the whole ordeal before and if her words didn’t ring true for him, at least her anger did.

She was mad because she thought he’d been wronged and Jim loved her a little bit more because of it, because he wasn’t good enough to deserve any of it--her kindness, her faith in him—but she gave him both anyway.

She didn’t call him by his name very often but every time she did, it was hard not to just _let go_ and trust her with this too, trust her with himself, just as he could trust her with everything else.

“What do I need to do for you to believe me?” Her hand was in his hair now, the other still curled around his own and she was trying so hard to stop him from closing off again that Jim couldn’t look at her anymore, not without fooling himself enough to believe that it was okay to take what he was being given, the forgiveness he needed but couldn’t give to himself. He turned his face to the side, tried to break away from her before it was too late but couldn’t. She wasn’t letting go. “Don’t do this. Talk to me.”

Jim wanted nothing but to give in to the all but tacit _please_ in her voice. He responded with a pleading of his own. “Uhura, please, just… drop it. Just drop it. I’ll be fine. You can go.”

“So am I dismissed, Captain? Is that it?” Something flared in her eyes and Jim stupidly thought _yes, that’s it_ at realizing he’d finally gotten to piss her off. It hurt to know it, sure, but he figured he’d feel relieved later on when she wasn’t in sight anymore. When she’d given up on him as she ought to do and never tried again.

Just one last push and she’d let him go, he was sure. “Yes, Lieutenant. You can go.”

“No,” she said, holding him tight in place, her tone bizarrely calm all of a sudden, “If you really want me to go, you know my name. I want you to use it, then I’ll know you’re serious about this. If that’s what you really need, I will leave you alone to brood, Jim.”

“What?” he asked, incredulous, turning around to look at her again. She seemed earnest enough for him to gape at her, “You want me to call you _Nyota_?”

She smiled at him. “Yes.”

“Why now?” Was Jim really that pathetic? Was it some kind of twisted gift so he’d stop feeling like such a fucking failure?

“I’ve been waiting for you to switch to it for a while, actually, who would’ve known you were so shy? So there, you have my permission.”

“I’m not—“ he started, but there was really no point in arguing with that if he was blushing, “Okay. Cool. Thanks. Huh. Nyota.  I’d like to be alone now.”

She stopped kneading his head and slowly lowered her hand as she squeezed the one she was still holding. “Okay. If you’re sure.” Jim was already missing her touch when she leaned into him and kissed his cheek, remaining close for long enough that he had to mimic the gesture and earned a kiss on his other cheek in return, so near to the corner of his mouth that he could practically taste it. He couldn’t control himself anymore, had to seal the inch between them again before even thinking what he was doing, and that was him alright; screwing everything up the minute he was given enough trust to do it.

He froze in place and was ready to backpedal as quick and hard as he could, but she didn’t let him. She chased his lips again to give him the same kind of brief peck he’d handed her before and hugged him tight. “It’s okay,” she whispered into his ear. He encircled her waist with his hands and brought her closer to him hastily because if he knew his luck, and he knew it very well, this wouldn’t last. This was probably all he was going to get before she remembered what she was getting herself into. But that wasn’t what happened next, not by far. “You can have another go at our first kiss later. I’ll be here, Jim.”

 _Why_ , he wanted to ask, _I’m a mess. I’m nothing you could want. You used to know that._

But he couldn’t, of course he couldn’t, so he just kissed her again, this time with purpose, with meaning, even though he wasn’t sure whether it was _you don’t want this_ or _thank you, please don’t leave me,_ if he wanted her to leave or to stay.

Uhura—no, _Nyota_ , seemed to be sure enough for both of them.

She smiled that bright, beautiful smile that Jim so rarely got to see and kissed his forehead once, twice, thrice, once for each time Jim kissed the back of her hands and just held him close afterward.

She didn’t let go.

**Author's Note:**

> Sequel: [It's okay, it's okay, it's okay](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1106686).


End file.
